


Falling for an angel

by theArcane



Series: Destiel AUs/Oneshots [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, Castiel Confesses Feelings for Dean Winchester, Castiel Deserves Better (Supernatural), Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Falling in Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel in Love (Supernatural), Dead Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Can't Say "I Love You", Dean Winchester Has Internalized Homophobia, Dean Winchester In Love, Death, Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Hurt, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Sad Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Ending, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Season/Series 15, Spoilers for Episode: s15e18 Despair, The Empty (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:01:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28055082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theArcane/pseuds/theArcane
Summary: A look through Dean Winchester's eyes as he slowly starts falling for Castiel throughout the seasons. He realizes that what he feels for his best friend is not just platonic, while battling with his internalised homophobia. When he finally tries to tell Cas that he loves him, it's too late.Starts with 4×01 and continues till 15×18, with all the important destiel moments in between and what was going through Dean Winchester's mind atm.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Destiel AUs/Oneshots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2071791
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	Falling for an angel

**Author's Note:**

> My mind's a but fogged over a few seasons, so I don't remember exactly what happened so pls correct me if I am wrong somewhere.

The first time Dean Winchester saw him, he was scared for his life. The creature had burned Pam's eyes. He had put Bobby to sleep like it was nothing. When Dean had stabbed him, he only smiled menancingly. The angel telling Dean that he was the one who raised him from hell did nothing to slow down his heart. He was of course lying; he _had_ to be lying. _When did angels start giving a damn about him?_ So yeah, the first time Dean Winchester saw Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, he was scared for his life. 

  
*******

  
He was still scared when Castiel started visiting him in his dreams, telling him about heaven and angels, asking Dean to show him some respect. But Dean didn't. Because in his eyes, Castiel was just another soldier, another _daddy's little blunt instrument._ He didn't even save Dean of his own accord, he only did it because he was on his father's orders. So yeah, the angel in the dodgy trenchcoat _didn't_ deserve Dean's respect. 

  
*******

  
The respect inside Dean slowly started to grow as Castiel started getting close to him. Dean realized that the blue-eyed angel wasn't just another soldier, unlike his brothers and sisters. He had started to question things, things no one would dare to. The stiff angel, who used to be so sure of everything he did, was now questioning his every step. Dean couldn't help smiling to himself whenever he thought about his new friend. He was watching Castiel come alive. _He was watching Castiel become.. Cas._

  
*******

  
Dean had never known heartbreak. He had a policy: break people's hearts before they broke yours. So when Cas told him that he only served heaven and _certainly_ not him, Dean couldn't understand why his heart was feeling so heavy. Surely the pesky little angel couldn't be the reason for it. _No, of course not_. _He had never trusted him in the first place, so why did he feel so betrayed?_

  
*******

  
He again felt the pain when he realized what his brother had done: brought the apocalypse on earth. But it wasn't the same; why would it be same? This was _Sammy_ , his little brother, who had just unleased a monster onto the world. All because of his love for a demon. 

When Sam left, Cas came. He had come to ask Dean for help, not realising how much he was helping Dean by just being there with him. As he laughed outside the whorehouse at Cas' first experience with a prostitute, he saw Cas smiling at him. In that moment, he felt his anger over his brother fading. In a way, he was starting to understand him. _Because while Sam had fallen in love with a demon, Dean was out here, falling in love with an angel._

  
*******

When Sam died, Cas never came to visit him, not once. Lisa and Ben were good , but they could never fill the void inside of Dean. He thought about praying to him once or twice, but decided against it. If Castiel was busy with heaven, let him be. Dean Winchester was certainly not important as that.

  
*******

  
Seeing Cas in that hellfire hurt. Seeing the angel ask him where he was when he needed him, hurt him even more. But what hurt the most was leaving him in that fire. When there eyes met, Dean saw something in the blue eyes, something other than the god-complex they'd come to harbor- they were _begging_. Begging Dean to see it through those eyes, begging him to not leave him alone. Dean looked away and left. 

  
*******

  
He had hated Castiel when he found out he betrayed him. He had sworn to himself that he will off that son-of-a-bitch as soon as he finds him. _But why did it hurt so much now?_ Seeing Cas going in the water, killing himself in front of Dean's eyes, pierced something inside of Dean's heart. He bent down and picked up the floating trenchcoat. 

  
*******

  
For weeks, when Dean couldn't sleep, when his dreams were haunted by seeing his best friend die, he'd take the trenchcoat out, and hug it tightly between his arms. He slept like that the whole night. His nightmares would go away.

  
*******

  
Seeing Cas alive and married, mended and shattered Dean's heart at the same time. His best friend was back, but he was gone. _Too far gone for Dean to reach him._

  
*******

  
Cas was broken and out of his mind, Dean couldn't handle it. Once an all-powerful angel, now reduced to nothing. All because of his love for humanity. His determination to always do the right thing. His guilt at disappointing Dean. Dean wondered why he didn't stay and help Cas at the asylum, instead of that demon bitch Meg. But that was such an.. _unmanly_ thing to do. If his Dad would've known that his son was a nurse for another man, he would've called him all sorts of names. The names which Dean will never let himself be associated with. Therefore, instead of holding the broken angel's hands and softly nursing him back to health, he shouted at him to get his shit together and stop being a baby. _John Winchester would be proud._

  
*******

  
Dean Winchester hunted and killed his way all through purgatory. He killed first, thought later. The only times he hesitated were when he was convinced that the monster had some information about the angel. _His angel_. And he stopped at nothing to get him back. Every night, he got on his knees and prayed to Cas, to come back to him, to forgive him. He begged and begged, but the son of a bitch wouldn't listen. So Dean cried to himself every night. _Hopeless, shattered and alone._

  
*******

  
Cas haunted him at night even when Dean was back on earth. Every night, Cas asked him, "Why did you leave me behind?" Dean never had any answer for him. He couldn't tell him that if it was in his power, he'd switch placed with him any given day. Dean Winchester would rather rot in purgatory than live in a world without Castiel. 

  
*******

  
Castiel's confession about him making the decision to stay in purgatory and assuring Dean that it was not his fault did nothing to calm Dean down. Because if Cas had deliberately stayed behind, that meant that the angel was still broken. And Dean's love was never strong enough to fix him. 

  
*******

  
When Castiel was beating Dean black and blue, Dean didn't fight back. He _couldn't_. But he begged him to stop, on his knees. He told Cas how much he meant to him. Dean had never felt so vulnerable before. He had almost said _I love you_ to Cas, but he stopped himself in time. Cas was his best friend, nothing more. It was not a thing proper men said to each other. 

"I _need_ you."

  
*******

  
When Dean saw Cas leading an army of angels, he was scared. That Cas would again get ahead of himself, again drown himself in the list of power. When Hannah asked him to punish Dean, for a moment he was scared. Cas was looking at the blade and considering it. But then their eyes met and there was no one in the room except the both of them. No angels, no Sammy. _Just Dean and Cas._  
Cas refused to kill Dean. And then, it was all over. No _commander_ , no _Castiel_ , only Cas. _Dean's_ Cas.

  
*******

  
Dean saw Cas' bloody and broken face everywhere and everytime he closed his eyes. He couldn't believe he was the one who had done this to the angel. Cas had begged him to stop and yet he didn't. He didn't. He was aware of the mark taking control of him, making him do these things and yet Dean couldn't stop himself. He was trapped inside this monster. A monster who had hurt the one man Dean Winchester was most afraid of hurting. 

  
*******

  
When Dean realized what was inside Cas, he couldn't stop cursing himself. It wasn't his fault, he knew, but his mind kept telling him that somehow, he had let it happen. The devil was inside the angel, Dean's angel and no matter how hard Dean tried to call him, he couldn't reach him. 

  
*******

  
Dean saw Cas entering through the rift, saw him walk with an angel blade with death in his eyes, felt him push Dean aside as he made his way towards Lucifer. Dean could hear his own voice scream the angel's name, too loud for his own ears. He felt Sammy drag him away, like Dean had dragged him away a long time ago from Jessica's burning body. 

When Cas came back to their world, Dean had a spark of hope lit inside of him- _Cas was alive!_ But then he saw a blade pierce through his heart, light too strong for his eyes and then the angel was on the ground- his wings splayed out beneath him. Dean didn't know much after that- he remembered falling to his knees, holding Cas' body in his arms, shaking and sobbing the whole night. _Ho_ _peless, shattered and alone._

  
*******

  
Cas was back and Dean had never felt happier. Not even when Amara returned his mother. Not even when Sam had cone back from hell. This happiness was _different_. When he first heard Cas' voice on the phone, telling him he was alive, his heart was elating with joy. When he saw the angel standing by the phonebooth, he wanted to rush to him and hold his face in his arms, touch him everywhere, make sure that he was alive, really alive. He'd even kiss him, on the cheeks or the forehead maybe. But then he felt Sammy standing behind him and John Winchester flashed inside his mind. He pulled back after a hug. 

  
*******

  
Dean had never felt this angry or betrayed before. _Cas knew_. This whole time, he knew what Jack was and he still let it happen. He let that little brat kill his mother. If he had an angel blade in his hand, he wouldn't have hesitated. He couldn't believe that this was the man who had made Dean question things about himself. ( _Things like who was he really attracted to)._ He couldn't believe this was the man he was going to say _I love you_ to once. Dean hated Castiel, but he hated himself more for falling for Castiel. 

  
*******

  
When Dean got down on his knees in purgatory, his mind took him back to all those years earlier, where he'd do this every night. This was second nature to him- kneeling and praying to Castiel. So he didn't hesitate. He blurted out everything- how sorry he was for treating Cas the way he did, how much he hated himself for it, how much Cas meant to him. He almost said the other words too, but he stopped himself. He wanted to see Cas' face when he said it. 

When he found Cas and hugged him, he felt complete. His best friend was back. 

"Cas I need to say something-" 

"It's okay, Dean. I heard your prayer." 

Dean nodded and let it slide. Maybe he should wait before saying it. Their relationship was still fragile, who knows what new drifts will the words create if he said it there and then. So he bit his lip to stop them from coming out. He had waited so long to say it, what's a few more days? He will tell Cas _I love you_ one day, just not today. 

  
*******

  
Dean's mind was in a frenzy. The door was booming under Billie's knock and Cas kept saying the words which didn't made sense to Dean. 

"Because the one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have." 

"Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it."

"You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know." 

"Because you cared, I cared." 

Dean couldn't process it. He knew what Cas was saying, but his mind refused to accept it. There was no way, no way Cas was in love with him too. This celestial, powerful being, who once had the whole world at his feet, no way he was in love with someone as insignificant as Dean Winchester.

"Why does this sound like a goodbye?" He managed to blurt out.

"Because it is." Cas smiled at him. Dean always thought it was the most beautiful thing to see. 

"Don't do this Cas." Not now, not when everything is over. He has to say it, say it back now, before Billie comes in. He has to let Cas know that he can have him, that Dean was always his. "Cas-" 

The wall behind him ruptured and a black mass oozed out.

"Goodbye, Dean." Cas stepped closer to him and touched his face tenderly. Dean leaned in to it. _Maybe this was it, maybe Cas was finally going to kiss him, maybe he knew what Dean felt without Dean actually saying the words._ He took a step forward, to show Cas what he really wants, but the next moment, he felt pain seer through him as his back hit the wall. He looked up in shock to see Cas smiling at him, one last time, before the black mass covered him whole. 

And then there was nothing. Billie, Cas, Empty, everything gone. Dean was on the floor, his mind again unable to process what just happened. All he could think about was the he didn't get to say it back. Cas had loved him all along, and he never got to say it back.

He rested his head against the wall, tears filling up his eyes, his heart beating loudly, his mind screaming incoherently. He sat there the whole night. _Hopeless, shattered and alone._

**Author's Note:**

> So tell me how it was?
> 
> Also, please leave kudos or comments if you liked it ^_^


End file.
